Notes “Happily Ever After?”

The Problem

We have higher expectations and expect things to be perfect. When things are not, they think this is not what I signed up for and walk away or we’re not happy
The popular culture paints a very rosy and ver happy picture of marriage, a picture that marriages are doing great all the time
We want our partners to meet everything that we have been missing in life. To make us feel good about what we are and to make us feel good about what we are not and we want them to do this without even telling them

Too Wedding Focussed?

People often spend a great deal of time and money on preparing for the wedding but not nearly enough time preparing for the life that comes after our wedding
When couples pick up on problems they tend to minimize them because they don’t want to jeopardize the relationship
It is important NOT to gloss over these problems as they may grow into larger issues once the marriage takes place
Some people think that the wedding is like a magic wand. Once you say “I accept” then all your problems will be solved
The notion of getting married first and sorting things out later is not the solution

The Purpose of Marriage

The Quran states, “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (30:21)
The essence of marriage is a spiritual one. Marriage provides the souls of the spouses with tranquility, love and stability
Marriage is to make a person a better Muslim, a better human being. It helps a person come closer to Allah
Half of the practice of the faith is found within the marriage relationship. This is where you manifest your goodness and character

Know Thyself!

Knowing who is right for you starts with knowing yourself. If you want to know whether you are compatible with someone, start with finding out what married life truly means to both of you
The one approaching marriage needs to have some clarity of what there purpose in life is. What their worldly goals are, what they see their life direction as being and what their religious goals are

Dealing with Differences

Talk about expectations in advance and be aware of them before hand to avoid disappointment
Start with how you will negotiate with the most difficult points in life like money, work and how will you deal with in-laws and extended family
Having this dialogue before marriage can well prepare you with what to expect and how to address your differences
Its not about how similar you are its about how well you can deal with your differences
If you are aware of the challenges, you can successfully overcome them
If you expect that there will be hardships and that you will argue and fight, then when it actually happens, you will know its normal

“Change Your Thoughts and You Change Your World”

Having the right attitude about marriage can make a huge difference
Realize that there will be challenges and those challenges require qualities like patience to get over
Working on a marriage is a long term process. The harder you work at it, the more rewards you will see in the future
Do not let anger control you. Continue to remind yourself what it is you truly love about your partner
Most marriages are based on a solid foundation of friendship. The foundation of an exceptional marriage is having an exceptional friendship